Hello darkness, my old friend

“We will now start our broadcast with a song. Please enjoy!”

 

 

Even though I know people don’t usually want to read depressing and sad stuff, I want to write about mine today. Because I feel that it helps me in some twisted way to write it up rather than actually talking about it with someone. And don’t get me wrong, I’m trying to make myself better at expressing myself and ACTUALLY tell people what bothers me, but because of an old habit, writing still eases me up the most. At least for the time being.

 

The Start

I can’t really say for sure what started it, but I have wild guesses. I had some troubles during my 5th and 6th grade. And I don’t blame only them about it , because it always takes too to tango, so in my own actions I’m also to blame. But if I can have a little back up on my side, it’d have to be that I had for my entire life lived in an environment where if you had something to say, you said it straight, no bullshitting or talking behind some ones back and telling baseless lies. And believe me or not, I still have decided to live like I have been taught. No bullshitting or lies behind someones back. I had stepped into a new world, social school life. So it was new to me.

So my guess is that my honesty, anger and ignorance got me to the point where the friends I thought were my friends just disappeared. Vanished like dust in the wind. I started to isolate myself from everything. Later on, we made peace with each other, at least with the persons who were principally involved in this spat. And I’m really glad that we did. We could and can still wave to each other when we see somewhere. Though things were never the same again and probably never will. But that’s okay, by both parties I think.

 

Next Chapter: Aftermath

So I think that I took quite the mental hit after all that had happened. And even though the anger was gone and fear almost, it had replaced itself with something else: Numbness. Numbness and sadness were the main elements, but most of the times I felt really hollow. Like there was nothing inside anymore. Just emptiness echoing. And actually at the time I really enjoyed that in a sense, because I didn’t NEED to FEEL anything. It was way more awesome than the surging waves of self-loath, sadness and anxiety. They swallowed me whole and didn’t want to let go. It almost called drastic measures, when I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore, but luckily it never ended that way. Thanks to others who cared.

Though even when I sometimes got down to the same feelings I had before, I found it easy to grab back to that numbness , because it was so strong in me. It was so easy to grasp and then I didn’t need to think anything anymore. I shut down my engines. And made a notice. I couldn’t cry. Not at all. Nothing made me cry anymore, because I felt that all my cries hadvanished at this point. There was nothing left to cry. But actually years later I’ve noticed that it’s not that I couldn’t cry only, I couldn’t feel anything either. Nothing that came in my way swayed my feel-sensors in any direction. I was an empty shell that just moved according to coordinates that it was given. This phase was at the beginning of junior high school and I felt it was okay. This was supposed to be how I’m able to handle everything. I was wrong.

 

Next Chapter: The First Steps

I wasn’t alone in junior high, I had made new friends and I had friends from my collateral class from elementary school, that had nothing to do with the case that took place in 5-6th grade, and they probably didn’t even know what was going down ’cause I never told them at that time. I just tried to pull into my own little safety bubble most of the time. But still they stood there, even when I wasn’t anywhere near to be called a good-model friend. And I’m really thankful they did, it helped me a lot during my years.

So my mundane days went on in a haze. I didn’t take note of any of the actions that happened around me. I just went on case by case and if sensed that there could be even a 0.000000001 % possibility of getting something unpleasant coming in my way, I would always skid and back out. I didn’t want to take the risk that something might come in to surface and end my peaceful numb days. No way, not in a millions of years. And at the time I thought that I did good. No one noticed the emptiness inside, I never said anything that might start a conflict or even a normal argument. It was easier that way. I wanted to become the stereotypical member of the group, the one that just follows quietly from the sidelines and never speaks out, even when they have an opinion. And I did have. Many times, but I just didn’t tell it.

So after a long time keeping it up like this, I was invited for the first time in god knows how many years to sleep over at my friend’s house. She was  in the same class as me and even though before we hadn’t talked that much, even when we hanged out in the same group, but after we got in the same class we started to hang out together surprisingly lot, even after the school day was over. And I was kind of happy that she wanted to spend time with me and I told her yes, of course I would love to come at her house. And mark my words, it was worth it. I think I told about this specific event more closely in one of my earlier post “Penny for your thoughts, dear” , when I went to her house and what happened there.

Any how, after that groundbreaking event in that sleepover, I started to build myself up again, piece by piece. I found my voice again. I had learned to cry when I wanted/needed to cry. And even though there were earth-shaking changes in one night, everybody knows that miracles don’t happen in one night. So building myself up from the scratch  would take a lot of stamina and hard work. But after a long time, I had learned to feel at ease again. The feelings were back and I even enjoyed their presence. I started to feel alive again. I could move from my for-so-long frozen position. I had started to  breathe again.

 

Next Chapter: The Treatment

Even I’m amazed sometimes how far I’ve come from where I was. And I know deep in my heart, that there is a place where I’m not willing to go back again, even though it once was a place that I desired the most. And even though I’ve gotten a whole lot better from the time I was the most down I’ve ever been, it’s no gone. It never will. Well at least not totally, there always will be fragments remaining and that is fine. You don’t need to give those away. I didn’t, and never will. Because those are the fragments that helped you to grow up to be the person you are today.

I’ve visited a school psychologist during my junior high years a several times, but at the time I felt like the scar was too fresh to open. So most of our sessions weren’t so successful. She asked questions which I answered if I wanted. And she courage to tell me anything I wanted. I wasn’t open for that. I was more like a vending machine where you are trying to feed a wrinkly bill and it just spits it back. It’s frustrating for both. And because I didn’t always feel comfortable to visit her, I sometimes just skipped our session and receipted it like I didn’t remember we were supposed to have a session. And don’t get me wrong, the psychologist was very nice. She gave me a lot of freedoms and creative ways to dismantle my mentally bad walls and how I can handle my anxiety and how to cope with it when I start to have panic attacks. Those advises I still use even today.

But well, to be honest our session were not going to see the beautiful horizon which the sunset has painted. She wanted to help me and I appreciate her help even till today, but I personally didn’t feel like we were going anywhere. So when she asked me if I wanted to continue the sessions, I answered no. Because in our school, the school psychologist made an evaluation of the needed session, depending of the problem, and then there was a possibility to continue the sessions or to quit them and I decided to quit. Of course the parents opinion also counted, but because the student was the main character and depending of the case, was the one to say the last word. And mine was no. I was told that anytime I feel that I want to talk about something, I’m always welcome. I never went to that office again after I left there that last time.

 

Next Chapter: Tomorrow’s Today

So life have tossed me around in many ways. And I know that the future will probably whip me even more, but I’m quite positive about it. I know I have my bad moments and I know that I have evolved from what I used to be but it is still there in me. And it will always stay there. Only the shape and how it surfaces has changed. It’s not continuous anymore, but comes more like tides and not so often anymore. But when it hits, it hits harder than when I was younger. But I have my means to cope up with it now. And usually it works.

At some point in life I think I should go to see a psychologist and/or therapist again, but somehow the previous encounter have left me a bit scared of going there. But I never rule it out, not entirely. I probably will give it a chance again, when I feel like I’m in a need of someone to help me. Mentally.

But for now, I’ve found my own ways to ease my anxiety. And those have proven to work. Not always but most of the time. I’ve learned to do some self observations and listen to my body when it yells. And those time I turn to my hobbies and things that I’ve found useful to me. Things that makes it easier to cope with the feelings, be it turning it into painting, drawing or a song played with piano means a world to me. It’s those little things that makes a person happy.

Also a huge resource to my mental mountain climbing is that I have my best and most dearest friends that never judge me, are willing to listen and help me whenever I feel like I really can’t handle it myself. They have always been there for me and I really do believe that they always will, they are that kind of person that come to your life and are there to stay. And I’m graceful about it every day. I would never trade them to anything. They are a huge source of my life energy. And I love it.

 

The End

 

“Black  is modest and arrogant at the same time. Black is lazy and easy-but mysterious. But above all, black says this: I don’t bother you- Don’t bother me.”

~ Yoshi Yamamoto

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One-size fits none

I know that I’ve talked earlier about body image and such but this post could be considered as #2 for it, because this is something I’ve come across a lot lately and it leaves me in confused state. I want to talk about sizing in clothing industry and making normal size “fat”.

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Welcome to the world unknown

There are somethings that leaves me hanging. That is the difference in sizing. While I look the charts when I shop online, I find  the charts that tell what’s equal EU size to US sizes. Fair enough, the size I get is fitting and I think to myself “Oh, alright. So this is my US size, good to know.” Alas, that is a huge fail. Next time I order the same size in two different stores online (and yes, I usually look the measurements of the product before ordering) but now the products ain’t as fitting as the size was before. One is too big (which I personally don’t mind, I like loose fit) and the other one is too small. Even when the size tags are the same as on the one I ordered before.

And no I’m not pointing my finger at the anyone alone, all around the world there are these kind of problems. But I’m not gonna bite into that, but what I wanna talk about is sizing in brands. Because I find it very discouraging. While one can wear this size in this brand, one maybe cannot wear it in another brand. Brands have their own sizing. And I understand perfectly, that everyone is individual, but I know from own experience that sometimes when I found something that is called “loose fit” in my size, can end up in tears after the products arrives. Because they have their own ideal of loose fit. And sometimes the brand don’t provide the specific size of the product, but the overall size of all the products they have in their store (*squints at a couple of net stores*). And this causes me headache many times. Because you can never be sure if the size you’ve purchased will be the right size. And tbh, I don’t want to use my money for too small products and then have to return it and order a bigger or smaller one (because: – I’m lazy and it takes too much effort) because I couldn’t find the measurements of the product.

The sizing can also be damaging. I read an article a while back, where a woman had bought the same pants of the same store in gap of half-year and the fit wasn’t right. The older ones were okay and fitted as they were supposed to, but the newly bought were not even near of fitting, never the less getting zipped. The brand and the model of the pants was the same as with the previous ones, but they had changed the sizing. The woman had to bought 2-3 sizes bigger pants.

There was an article included in this woman’s story. It was written by a psychologist who talked about the cloth sizing and what it can do to self-esteem. It appears that, when the brands change/have different sizing, it can lower ones esteem. I believe that too. When we live in a world where almost everything revolves around beauty ideals where it’s not okay to be ugly or fat, this can have very disastrous effect on people who are really appearance oriented. Though it’s not only for those kind of people. It can can be a really bad experience for many people, when they have thought that they are one size and then they seem not to fit in the size they are supposed to.  And as said before everyone cannot be the same size, BUT in the basic clothing I think that the sizing should be a bit more standardized. It would make everyone’s shopping experience a lot easier and not as time-consuming. Just saying…

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“Honey, does this skirt make me look fat?”

Of course it doesn’t, would be most of people’s answer to avoid the obvious incoming fight, even if the skirt would make someone look fat. But this is not the topic to be discussed now. I want to bite into something else. Why do we turn size normal to fat?

For a while now, it’s been a trend that when you are below the healthy normal bmi you can only then consider yourself to be normal size (note*: even the bmi is not absolute and the meter of happy, healthy life). The (almost)malnourished, skin-bone cocktail is something to be admired, they say. Not to forget the abnormal sized boobs and butt in this equation. But if you have flesh anywhere else, you’re automatically fat. The end.

When did we drive in to this pitfall? The one where women must have a big butt and boobs, but any other bump is not accepted? Where men are supposed to be sculpted like Adonis’s and Eros’s love child? When you look at the commercials and instagram with people of normal weights or even a little bit of more to love, people almost always label them as fat, because they do not fit the smallest size. You are not considered beautiful because you don’t fit in to the beauty standards of these days.

And of course, if you are on the normal size or even a bit on the heavier side, you can’t be beautiful or handsome. The outer appearance defines nowadays your worth. All the comments like:

  • “You’re so pretty/handsome for a fat girl/guy”
  • “You’d be so attractive if you’d lose some weight.”
  • “You got so cute/handsome face for a fat girl/guy”
  • “Don’t worry, when you lose weight, guys/girls will be swarming around you.”

And the list is endless. But what makes people think that normal size/heavier people are unattractive? The beauty doesn’t ask size, it asks your personality and how you carry yourself. If one crouches oneself with bad self-esteem, it can hide the beauty. You can build yourself up from the scratch, but if you do it only according to others expectation, you’ll never be as beautiful as someone who do it for themself. There is nothing more beautiful than a person who’s comfortable in their own skin. That is something to be called the beauty of the freedom of choice.

The internet’s endless nothingness

It always amazes me, when people tell me that they can be kept entertained by the internet for several and many hours straight. Maybe It’s me, but really? And I’m not talking about being stuck in Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube or etc. for hours (*sometimes guilty as charged*) but IN INTERNET.

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Lost in the bliss

It’s true that when you just search around, internet has an unimaginable amount of information and such. But as known, you can’t trust everything you find. I find it really funny to search many of same news and compare them and find what differs in each one.

It’s somehow hilarious for me. But at the same time it’s really sad in some aspects: you can’t really tell what is the real truth. But that makes it  more interesting to search all of the sources that provides some sort of information about the topic. You can always wait a new crazy turn to appear.

 

Half-assed gaming

Another hobby of mine sometimes is to find sites that provide online games. FREE online games, not like Twitch with quality game offering, because if I want to play quality games: I borrow my brothers Twitch account. No, I speak about sites like miniclip and the same kind of sites. Those which are not like the ones in Facebook that gives you advertisements like: “Pay 2,99e to get 5 more lives!” Nah, I don’t want to see that kind of stuff. I’m a cheap bitch who wants to level up by skills, not by money (okay, okay, the games in Twitch costs money, but you get the point).

So I go sometimes to sites that offer free games and surf through them. And seriously… I mean, come on, could they make them work properly? I know they are free and everything, but really? It always cracks me up when I try to start the game: it might start but the controls and everything doesn’t even respond to me. And I know, I know, making of the games is not easy, but come on… If you put it on your site you could atleast confirm that the game works, that’s all I ask.

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What to adventure on?

So as told, I’m really clueless what I’m supposed to do in the net. Because the most I do is Facebook, Instagram, WordPress, Youtube, some news sites and play google’s solitaire (I have always been hooked to play solitaire on computer. I’m obsessed).

So I’m at loss in front of these heroes that tell me that they adventure the internet for many many many many hours straight. What do they find? I might never find out…

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~ Lumentide

Waves that doesn’t work

I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately in my workplace during our breaks. All the conversations have been of different genres, but almost all of them deals with the issues that are happening lately. And as the youngest in place, stating my opinion may differ from the people who have quite a lot more life experience than me.

But also for my surprise, the opinions don’t completely differ from mine. It’s these moments that makes me wonder if I have surrounded myself with really open-minded people or is it just that I’m old-fashioned… Even when I don’t consider myself to be one.

But to get to the point without further ado I’m making a disclaimer here:                              *ALL THE COMMENTS I’M MAKING DURING THIS POST IS MY OWN OPINIONS AND MY OWN, IF NOT STATED OTHERWISE*

 

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Surfing through the waves

So to underlay this post, I must admit that I usually don’t get surprised easily, I must admit that lately I’ve been really surprised by many things. And what have I been surprised by lately?  THE WAVES. And I’m not talking about ocean waves, but the controversial waves such as equal marriage rights and body positivity.

These are the topics that have gotten people talking in these resent years in waves. Every time when new *scandal* or whatever occurs concerning these topics, the world bubbles for some time, like the thing have come in to bare sunlight just recently. Like no one has ever even talked about it.

This is something that makes me angry to my core. This didn’t come just recently, it has been out in the world for a good time. As a member of the LGBTQIA rainbow family and as a child of parents who taught acceptance in pretty much all of it forms, there is still a lot of things that makes me kinda angry and discomforted in all of its positivity and this is something I want to talk about.

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Waving through the colors of rainbow

This is something that has been in the world a lot lately considering that equal marriage rights has seen the green lights around the world for the couple of years. In my country, in Finland, the petition of equal marriage rights saw its green light in December 2014 with the votes of 101 for and 90 against and the law came in effect 1st of May 2017.

But not to make anything too easy, there was also opposition to this. There was a petition against the equal marriage rights in spring 2015 called “Aito avioliitto” (translated: Authentic Marriage),a conservation of marriage as a genuinely equal, male-female covenant and the repeal of the sexual neutral marriage act, as they stated. The petition was discarded in February 2017 with votes of 120-48.

The ideology behind this petition, “Aito avioliitto”, in overall, in what I see, was kind of religion based and well, for the hate of the idea of the whole thing. The association that run and established this petition stated that the idea of petition was for the children to have the right to have both parents, mom and dad, and that children of rainbow couples will do/does worse than the children of normal family, even when the consensus of researches have proved that there is no difference in the children (mental wellbeing, intellectual development, gender identity and sexual orientation) of either parents, straight or other. But the association denies all of this scientific consensus.

Even though I myself did not support this movement, I kind of see some things that makes me understand the people who signed this petition. Because now comes my opinion on these waves.

Even though I support wholeheartedly the rainbow community, I think there is so much that does more bad than good for the community. As the equal marriage right in itself was a great victory for many and a big media boom, but after that has happened something, that makes me frown. Somehow people in media content department has decided that every show must have quota of lgbtqai people and they need to show it. And all in all, it’s not bad that they get to participate equally, but my question is: why do we need to get the ones in there that makes the community look bad? I know, the tv stations wants to sell their content and that’s when you need someone who stands out. And usually it is someone comically stereotypical.

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Like, could you fucking not? It really burns me right to my core with anger, that the media, MASSMEDIA, doesn’t usually want to make the rainbow shine equally bright with others. And the worst in this is that the media sees that this is the best source to make the rainbow family to be more acknowledged and accepted. To make them more equal.

This just doesn’t work. The method is wrong. I find it really sad, that while even in Finland homosexuality was considered to be a crime from 1894 till 1971 and it was considered to be a disease till 1981, we still like to feed people the idea of the rainbow people all being the same, the stereotypical. That should be stopped. And of all, not to force feed people this stereotypical bullcrap.

My opinion to all this is (even if it’s just my wish), that we should just let all the things to go with their own pace. You can’t force anyone to accept something with force. People just needs their time: those who accepts it, accepts it in their own pace and those who don’t, they don’t. It’s that simple, because most of the people who doesn’t accept it, will in time come tolerant of it. Not probably accept, but they can put up with it. And that’s what we call the freedom of choice. Everyone is an individual, free to believe in what they see fit for themselves.

My advice is to let things go. If one wants to know more about the people in rainbow family and about the reality of them, one really should talk about the things they wonder with the people themselves. You might find many things that you have in common with them, things you might have not considered. Just open your mind to all the opinions. You don’t need to support everything and all, and that’s okay, but be equal. That’s what it is all about.

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Waving with the scale

As a someone, who has been bigger for my whole life (going back and forth been a bit smaller and a bit bigger), this is slightly sensitive topic to me. And as I see it, the world has done some major upping its game, when it comes to body positivity. But there is still so much it needs to do.

Even though the fight has been never-ending battle of getting people to be more accepting of all kind of bodies, what at first caught might sight in social media format battling for the positivity, was in 2012 Tess Holidays #effyoubeautystandards. When I first saw this hashtag, I wasn’t  sure what it was all about, but after some thorough research on internet, I was amazed. Because as a lazy social media user (I’ve improved myself a lot after that) I had never come across to anything like this.

I can’t 100% say that Tess Holiday was my only inspirer, but she really was inspiring in her own way, at least in the fashion industry. Not to forget Ashley Graham either tho’. But as a fellow plus-size model for Graham, Holiday was breaking all the odds, getting major modelling contracts and of course, being the first size 26 model. That was something people hadn’t seen before.

All in all, I think that was a great push for the body positive line. People got to see that “really big girl” in covers and commercials. After that, I’ve found a lot of inspiring sources all over the internet:

  1. The Revelist – Great articles covering plus-size clothes, overall fashion and other interesting and controversial matters.
  2. Instagram – You can find absolutely marvelous body positivity warriors there.
  3. Vaakakapina – A great finnish campaign, which bites right to the bone of the matters of being plus-size.

Most of the other sources are found around the internet as bloggers, vloggers etc. And I’ve found these really helpful for me, as someone who has always fought against my own body appearance and still does. There is just some things that makes me really sad in this. And that is something I also want to bite into.

When you watch tv shows, series, movies or whatever, you often see the plus-size person as the “funny character”. Not the sexy one or the intelligent one. The “funny one” or as the one whose bullied and after that makes oneself socially accepted looking and becomes the “cool one”. And this is something that makes me really angry in many levels.

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This seems like a really bad joke to me. Because as I see it, the concept they are driving in to us is that plus-size people can only be funny and become beautiful if they lose weight. You can become socially accepted and happy only that way. And that’s it, happy ever after. Sadly that is the picture we’re given. But luckily that’s not the truth.

As I appreciate every comedian, be it plus or not, they do what they are good at, and that’s a blessing to us. What I don’t appreciate is the given media image of the plus. Of course, a plus-size can be funny, but so can a normal size person be. We’re individuals, not a norm. There are persons who are naturally funny, naturally sexy, naturally intelligent and a lot of more, be it plus or normal. In all categories. Labels don’t define one group.

And what comes to beauty, losing weight isn’t the only key to achieve beauty. First of all, if what lies beneath the surface isn’t beautiful, you can’t find much in the surface either. The rotten insides shines through and no one needs something that’s already turned bad. The surface becomes as ugly as the inside and no makeup can hide that. Everyone needs to work from inside to outside. One can be as beautiful as one feels, without nobody telling you how to look beautiful. Because everybody is beautiful in their own unique way, there’s no doubt about it. You just need to let it shine.

The closing wave

Well that was kind of rant, wasn’t it? But in the latest months, I’ve noticed that these are the things I find myself constantly thinking. And I really love to talk about this with other too and ask their opinions on the matter. I get all kinds of opinions, but usually I ask people to open up their minds beforehand, that we can have a good conversation. I’m not forcing anyone to think like me, but people who are not ready to think outside the box aren’t worthwhile conversation buddies.

I don’t necessarily want people to think like me because that would kill most of the conversations, while there wouldn’t be any differing opinions and that would be boring. All in all, I’m always happy to talk all kinds of different people, because I think that those are the best chances to learn something new and to open ways to thoughts you hadn’t thought yourself. And I find that really cool.

This is good opportunity to end this post. You keep being you, no matter what.                     ~Lumentide

 

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Unpopular, But Average

Do you ever get the feeling that even though you’re trying and trying, you never succeed in your attempts? Well no worries, you’re not the only one. I’m one of those people.

 

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I’m one of the people in the world that begins something and if possible, wants to be above average, possibly even good, at it. Be it drawing, playing piano, learning a new language, photographing or in social media. Don’t get me wrong, I’m neither competing with others nor even want to. But there is someone I’m competing with: MYSELF.

I’ve always competed with myself. I was overjoyed every time when my friends did well in test and every time they managed to meet their goals. I can’t describe even how delighted I was for them, even if it was even a little below what they had thought.

I wasn’t like that with myself. I almost never were happy at my results. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do actually “bad” but I felt and still feel like I never meet my goals. I just set them way too high for myself.

Now that I’m a bit older, I’ve noticed that it haven’t changed since junior high or high school times. After I got accepted to vocational school in 2013, I decided that I’m going to change, that I’ll stop procrastinating and submit my work on time (I usually do ’cause I’m a perfectionist most of the time and it needs a heavy reason for not submitting), do a time schedule for it (yes, I’m a somehow typical student that within the last hours works like a crazy to get all thing together, though with perfection) that I’ll be able to do it for the tip-top condition.

Well obviously this didn’t work. Why one may ask. The answer was simple, because the outcome didn’t meet my expectations. Even when I did my everything and didn’t leave anything for the last moment, I still didn’t get the result that I wanted. This made me wonder what I did wrong? What was I missing? I went and asked our teacher to give me feed back of my assignments and I was devastated. I had TOO much unnecessary things in it. I had tried too hard and had missed the head points. I was so frustrated in myself, all that and for nothing?

Well I graduated from vocational school (technical drawing) in 2015, not at the bottom, not at the top, but average. And after that, I applied to polytechnic (civil engineering) and miraculously got in, but was unable to attend for various reasons from living to school. And that was one of the biggest blows beneath my belt, but I’ll start to get over it, little by little. To be true, I’m not even sure if it really is even a line of business I’m interested, I just attended ’cause it seemed the best course after the vocational and I was wished to go there.

After these. I’ve been trying to find myself in the middle of everything. I’ve been working in various places and now I’m trying to find if I want to study something that really tickles my senses. Now that some time has passed, I’m still at a standstill. I don’t have the slightest idea what am I supposed to do, but I’m trying to keep my cool and stay positive.

Social media pressure: AVERAGE

 

I notice that even in social media I feel the pressure to perform great. As much as I enjoy taking all kinds of pictures and write all kinds of  stuff, it always kinda let’s me down, when I see that only couple of people have liked it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not seeking attention that much, I just wish to see the kindred spirits ,who have found same things as me, interesting and has because of that shown some sort of interest to those. And also hope that it could courage someone else to step out too.

There has just always been one problem, even when I don’t consider myself to be the typical interesting persona, I’m not weird to the point to be interesting either. I’m average, again. I’m weird, yes. But not any weirder than the average weird, the one that is considered an oddball but not in the edgy way that seems to attract people.

I’ve always wondered and even considered if I should change my “concepts” to be more like the ones you see in social media. But as I’m not into sports, I don’t have a lot of money to spend on edgy clothes and don’t have so much as knowledge of politics, I’m not the one to give advice on those fields or even less to post pictures of myself, that takes a lot out. Being an edgy weirdo would be the right way it seems. It gives so much freedom to many directions, right? True and false. The weird people with the edge to make them interesting lies within them, it can’t be learned or gained. And also, I’m too awkward to even try it.

giphy (1)

 

After listing everything out, it seems I’m doomed for the rest of my life. But I tend to forget somethings: even those people I think have it easy started from the bottom. They had ambition and they have given and gives it their all, every time. They’ve deserved it, with hard work. So it have had me thinking, why does my reaching for perfection get in my way? Yes, I always hope to perform better than the me of yesterday, but to over achieve? There’s no need for it to be my goal anymore.

I’ve realised many things after I’ve had so much time to think on my own:

  1. I don’t have any rush in the world, I got someone waiting me
  2. I have learned handle the things that are stressful to me
  3. I’m capable of expressing myself when I open my mouth, without the scare
  4. World will move on, even if I try to deny it
  5. No one’s meant to fight on their own
  6. Happiness doesn’t mean just one way train to one direction
  7. Time is your best friend if you do the things that makes you you and happy (“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted”)
  8. I can find wonders in the small places when I just remember to look around
  9. Healing is not forgetting, it needs acceptance of things: everybody’s sad sometimes
  10. I’m perfectly fine being average

 

There is much more, but these are the ones I’ve come to conclusion with recently. As long as I remember that there are as many average Joes as me with same circumstances, I’m content. I’m overjoyed by the fact, that the people who are interested, they will find their ways. Same as I find mine.

 

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I promise after this I let it go; They’re going to take me away haha !

Heiya, It’s been a long time, hasn’t it ?

Well I’ve been kinda down for a while… Well maybe I still am a bit, ’cause my plans didn’t sink in a way as I had hoped they would… Well at least not in the positive ways… And Just when I thought that maybe I get over this quickly (HAHA, AS IF!) more s**t got on my neck again.

holes in ship

So what happened then? Well buckle up the damn seatbelt and be ready for the ride!

1.Welcome to the school of HELL!

Someone might think “oh she got to school, good for her. But depending on the header, she doesn’t like it”. Sadly, this is not the case. I’d be happy… *uh, maybe that’s not the right expression to this*… delighted if this would be the case. The thing is, I attended to polytechnic and got magically accepted!!! Yay me… But this is when things started to go downhill. The school I got accepted to were in Oulu… and I lived in Perniö at that time (well, in my parents house during summer ’cause I had summer job in my hometown). Meaning that the school I got accepted to were in north and I lived in south, exactly 727 km away from the school… Yeah, I know. I would’ve made it to school, if I had my own private plane to get there *akward joke*…

Well this was obviously calling for moving, naturally. So I took the lead and started to get slowly but smoothly to my downfall. I called everywhere: the student apartments, private providers and municipal corporation for a place to rent but none of those attempts bored any fruit. And then because the student allowance is low, I had to simply not to watch some of the places because the rents were too high for me. I was really desperate and decided to call to the school, if they could give me a ray of hope. As expected, that didn’t bear any fruit either. And because there were no solution I could find to this problem (I even tried to find if I had any friends, family or anyone near there where I could crash for a while, but no) I had to, unfortunately, give it up. Yeah, and that really stung me hard, painfully. All the work I did, for nothing! At least it felt like that. But one can never predict these things.

fuck this shit

2.They’re going to take me away haha !

Well as if I hadn’t recovered from the previous downfall, new was just ahead of me. As I welled in self-pity, I needed to really start to think about what I should do now. As I deliberated what would be the best course of choices; stay in my apartment, which lies behind the god’s back with nothing close and with no possibilities for work or go to my parents house for a while, be able to save some money and “pay rent” by doing some house chores and then leave when I find my route again and am back in track. But as I welled in this and had already started to slope to the moving at my parents, back to my hometown again, I got really nice letter one day. Since my contract ended in my summer job, I’d got all the papers and depositions from the job, so I was really curious what this letter could be.

And after I think about it, I wish I’d never opened that. The first sentence threw me off the cliff : Request for refund of the salary. I shit you not, I almost started to tear of my hair! Because the first salary I got, I mostly used it to pay my bills, that it would ease my life a little so I didn’t get much to save, just a little. And of course, because I still lived on my own, I had rent and electricity bills. So the refund was because the salary accountant had counted my salary wrong. Instead of paying me salary for about 2 and half weeks in August, she had paid me from the whole month! I’m not really blaming her badly, ’cause I know that it’s human to make mistakes and it happens to everyone sometimes. So I had used some of the salary again to pay my bills and my running expenses (and this salary was smaller than the first) so I didn’t have so much to begin, except for the savings I had already put to my account after I had paid the bills.

So the big question, how much was the refund? 576€. 576 f*king euros! That was probably the last drop for my decision to move at my parents, because after I had paid the refund, I had about 50€ in save… and that wasn’t something to celebrate over, no, the opposite. Even though I’m usually pretty calm in my expressions and manners, I have really loud mind and sometimes when I’m alone I let it run wild, and this was one of those moments. I was so pissed. This was not in my calculations, but sure hell helped me to decide!

fuck this shit 1

3.Of course we’re buddies!… I think

I also had a bit of a… Love problem, during the last of summer. A female person had confessed me quite a long time ago that she likes me, romantically, and I hadn’t given her an answer ’cause I had seen her as a friend all the time. Well, after some soul-searching I thought that maybe, just a tiny bit I liked her back. So I decided (this was a bad idea, even I realize it, but it doesn’t help afterwards) to talk her about it and well, she bursted out with the happiness and started to send even more txt’s as before (note this was before summer began when I talked to her) and we spent some time in my hometown after she asked if she could come over before her school started and after my summer job ended and I said it was ok and she spent her time here and left home after we had blast spending time together. I need to make it clear, that we didn’t and don’t date each other, it was as if you had a friend over.

So, so time went on and not so long ago but still not so recently, I got a txt from her. I had gotten her texts before this one too after she had started school, but this was no ordinary txt as I had presumed. She asked me: “Where does our friendship stand? Are we something else?”  This is where it gets complicated. Because I’m a horrible person with my feelings, I didn’t know what to answer. Because I didn’t know if I liked her after all like that. I know horrible, right? As a friend, I adored her, but as romantically? I didn’t and don’t know anymore. And to be honest, I’m really scared to be tied up to a person, it really scares me and because she is also a bit pressuring in many issues, so frequently it also has made me uncomfortable. So I told her “I really don’t know, I really don’t” and she answered “Alright, ok”. I don’t know what is going on anymore, she still sends me txt as usual, but I feel a bit like shit, literally. Because I feel like I have somehow betrayed her with my half assed behaviour. But if I guess right, she took it good and not as a negative no. I don’t know which is better. But for the time being I’m even a bit scared of how I can fuck things up, because the last thing I wanna do is to hurt her, but the situation is a bit awkward and honestly, even though I know it’s not mature and best decision, I’d like to run away from this situation if possible. It’s a small bless and easier that she still sends txt normally though.

Im-kicking-my-ass-do-you-mind-PK7C

4.Would you like to have some crack?

No, I haven’t started to use drugs. This is all about that phone.

One hot summer day when I went out to explore the beauty of my hometown with my friend, I decided to take my phone with me, as almost every human being does. Well, because I’m a clumsy person and we had decide to walk through so-called natural park which included a walk I quite high rock, I decided to leave my phone to car, in the glove compartment.

When we came back from our adventure and drove home, in our yard I started to wonder where my phone was and my friend asked like didn’t you leave it to the glove compartment or did you take it away from there? And I was like oh yeah, you’re right, it’s there. That moment when I took it out of there was the moment when I wondered if holding fire felt like this.

The phone was REALLY HOT! It literally screamed heat, it was really hot. Yeah the car was hot and all, but I never thought that my phone would get affected also like this and when I opened the cover, there was running that whole phone length crack in the screen! God dammit, I just a couple a months ago bought that phone after wavering back and forth and now it had betrayed me! That cheater!

fuck this shit 3

So yeah, the end of summer has been very unforgettable for me…. In many ways. And these small things has really gotten me in a slump, especially because they all stacked in a short period of time, but not to worry, I’m gonna keep rolling and get up, you haven’t seen the last of me!!!

It’s closing in and I almost can grasp it!

For a couple of weeks, I’ve been very anxious and impatient, while knowing that something really great is just around the corner and FINALLY my waiting is about to come to an end! Just this day and tomorrow after the work I jump in train and start to head to the final destination. What’s my final destination ? The Finland’s youth championship held in Turku on Wednesday  and I get to know if I’ll be able to be a hair model to one of the contestants. I really can’t wait for it!

exited

So lately I’ve been in a cloud nine. Though  I’ve gotten this feeling often that I have forgotten something important, but somehow just can’t grasp it. It just somehow slips through my fingers and I can’t recall what it might be. That’s why I have found the huge importance of my calendar lately. If I didn’t use it, I’d probably forget even more things that I already have. You never notice things until they come really important and necessary. How mystical…

So I’ve been studying for the entrance examination for a while now, and I feel completely lost! I wouldn’t say that I’m bad at mathematics but I ain’t no genius either, I’m average. And that frustrates me more than it’s necessary. When I look through the prep material, I just freeze. There is a lot I know, but more that I do not know. It’s like some is really easy and some of it is like I only understand a part of it or don’t understand at all. In me, there lives the little perfectionist with OCD, that wants to perform at its best. And if it does not, it calls for some repentance and it will remind me for a long time of the failure I made and I get in to a complete slump. This is why I’m in a stalemate and I go through these three states almost every time when I start to push myself harder:

#1 Desperation

nervous breakdown

#2 Head banging

head banging

#3 Losing it

fuck it

… And this is rarely a good thing…

I’m not sure what I should do that I wouldn’t end up banging my head in to wall and driving myself in a corner. I’m getting some help from my friend (because we decided to prep together while we are trying to attend the same school) and I’m helping her vice versa with the subjects that she’s not familiar at. I think it’s a win-win situation for both of us. And with the support of selected people, I’m sure I’ll make it somehow. The last thing I’ll do is give up, I’ll just try again if I fail. No matter how many times it takes. I have all of the keys in front of me, I just need to grasp it !

“Penny for your thoughts, dear”

Last night I had a really interesting conversation with my old friend. She really made me notice my insecurities. But not in  bad way, actually. I hope this will breed some sort of conversation and makes other to share, if they’ve had same kind of experiences 🙂

So, for the starters:

Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior toward both males and females, and may also encompass romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender identity or to a person irrespective of that person’s biological sex or gender.

That was a straight quotation from Wikipedia. I think this gives a fair good idea of what I’m about to talk about, right? Let me tell you a little story about a girl who found herself after a little while.


“Penny for your thoughts, dear”

“It was the first day of junior high school and the girl was pretty hyped, but also a bit scared of the beginning of her new school.She had heard that in junior high, you might encounter either more cruel world, get start of something new and better or if your lucky, it might not change at all of the old. She had a lot of bad encounters and bad experiences before and she hoped that something would change. That she wouldn’t need to hang in the same environment and pace as she had before. Something needed to be changed, and she hoped and prayed that this would be the change for it.

For her luck, the class she was singed at had changed greatly. Even though there were a lot of familiar faces, still the most of the people in class were unknown to her and she was happy. This meant she didn’t need to watch the faces that had left a lot of physical scars in her and even though she had made peace with them, she still felt grief every time she needed to interact with these people. She could endure it without any bigger difficulties or eye blinking, but if she didn’t need to, she didn’t. She was unable to trust anyone as she had before. But luckily, she had a friend who stood by her when nobody else would. Or at least that was the case for now.

The first day was a world breaking experience for her. She had wanted changes for the previous life she had, but this was something she didn’t expect. While heading towards to classroom, the whole class needed to wait in the corridor for the home room teacher to arrive. Her friend who stood besides her was blubbering about something non stopping, but to be precise, she didn’t really hear much of what she said. But it didn’t stop her and somehow she enjoyed that there was that usual mundane life and action as there had been for a while. But what happened next, was something she didn’t expect. One of the girls of her class came to her. She wasn’t sure what the girl might want.

This one particular girl was familiar to her from elementary school. She was in the group of which her only friend, at that time ,wanted to introduce her to. Her friend had been in the same class with these girls and promised that they were nice people. And they were, no doubt, but the insecurities from before were too fresh to her to attach to those girls as much as she might have wanted. And the girl who came to her, even though they were in the same group, had never talked with her so much, or rather they didn’t seem to have anything in common.

So the girl who had come to her said something, that she didn’t except to hear from her mouth: “You don’t have no one to sit with, right? You come sit with me.” It was short and brief two sentences but she was more than surprised and wasn’t even sure of what had happened. The friend, who had blubbered this whole time shook her and asked what did the other girl say. The girl answered that she didn’t know, because she still had hard time believing of what she had heard. But after they got to go to the classroom, as she was heading to her own direction, she felt a yank. And as she looked who was yanking her she was even more surprised: it was the girl from the corridor. “Let’s sit here”, she said. And they sat here. 

After some time had went on, the girl noticed that she had started to trust a bit this girl who had yanked her on the first day of school. They had started to spend more time together. The friend from elementary had found some new friends from junior high and spend a lot of time with the others, but they still remained friends, even though they didn’t hang out so much anymore. 

One weekend the girl were invited to spend the whole weekend at her new friends house for the first time. She couldn’t recall when was the last time she had agreed to spend the night over at someones place. Of course she had visited her home previously, but never had she spend the night over there. So as the Saturday carried to-night time, the two girls were still talking. But she couldn’t say that the topics were really fruitful. She had hard time answering the other girls questions. She didn’t say anything directly and only gave vague answers. Then there came a long, uncomfortable silence and the girl started to think : “Oh, this was probably it…” But the next thing the other girl said to her was a wall breaker: “You know, I don’t want you to take this in the bad way, but it kinda bothers me that you don’t speak to me openly. When you’re with me, you don’t need to put on a charade, you can be as you are and who you are. We are friends, aren’t we? After the time we’ve spent together, I’ve noticed that you always want to answer in an overall view and with the “what pleases the user”- kind of manner. You don’t really need to do that. I’ll take all your opinions, whether it same as mine or not.” For a long time, the girl had learned to suppress her tears, but not this time. The other girl had touched one of her deepest fears and a place, where she hadn’t let anybody else touch and this girl, with just a couple of sentences had broken that wall. Just these couple of sentences were the ones she had wanted to hear for a long time and the tears were worth it.

So the time just went on and now the girls were at the 8th grade already. The circle of friends had grown rapidly and now there were many new friends that she had made, though there were still only a couple, who she really could trust to some point, but still no one could reach to the stage where the girl who had broken the wall were. But still she enjoyed her everyday life. But she had noticed that something had changed, but what? She couldn’t even imagine what it would be.

She had struggle with this for a while and one day at school, she decide to take on the topic, which was unusual for her to do. Because she had noticed that she had had some feelings, more than feelings of friends, towards both sexes for some time already and she even had a slight crushes to some people, she brought up a topic: “What do you think about different sexuality types?” And after that, she regretted it. The feedback was not positive. It was stomped to the ground: “It’s not good for anyone and it’s freaky.” And vaguely she said: “It is, right?” But she really didn’t think like that, she just didn’t dare to state out her opinion. After she went home, she went straight out to her room and shut the doors and turned on the music, sat on the bed squeezing her legs tight, near her chest. She wasn’t sure if she should cry or not. Her feelings were twisted. What if she were wrong and everyone else were right? Then what would she be? That’s right, a freak. “It’s not normal, and I want to be normal ! I don’t want to be left outside again!” she thought. But how she could do that? She felt like she couldn’t tell anybody about it, so she decided to hide it for all eternity, maybe that’s the solution to cure it.

The years passed and everybody scattered after junior high school as everybody decided what they wanted to do in life. For the girl’s sorrow, the one who had broken down the wall for her decided to go to vocational school and not in high school, as she had decided. But that still wasn’t the end of their friendship, they still kept closely in touch with each others, even when there were quite some miles between them. And the other girl, who she had met in the group in elementary school and had got to know better in junior high and she also trusted very much, was also attending the same high school with one of the other girl she trusted.

In the second year of high school one of the friends of the girl was going to move away: she was turning 18 and wanted to move on her own in a different city. So all the girls decided to spend as much time as they could together before the one of them leaves. So a week before the one was supposed to leave, she asked the girl if it was alright for her to come and spend the weekend. The girl answered yes, that it wouldn’t be a problem. But the first night was something that changed something and also locked something jammed in her. The friend who had come to visit her and was supposed to spend the whole weekend told her something mind-blowing: She liked her. First the girl laughed and said that she liked her too, that she was a great friend. But the other girl corrected her and said that she didn’t mean it like that, that she knows what she meant. The girl got stuck and everything got foggy and fuzzy to her. She didn’t know what to say. Something inside her  was screaming, loudly. She carefully asked why and how. The other girl said that she was a bisexual, has been for a long and that she had been with a girl before. She also said this: “But fear not, I know our feelings don’t meet each other in this way, so don’t worry. I just wanted to tell you before I move.”

After that, they went to sleep, but the girl couldn’t sleep. The words that was said to her echoed in her mind. The somehow sad eyes that the other girl had at that time didn’t leave from her mind. And what bothered her even more, she didn’t say anything or give an answer to anything, she just shut herself up. Something from the past stirred her up. “No don’t come to surface, I beg you”, she prayed. After a week, the other girl moved away.

And again the time flew and she graduated from high school. Again everybody scattered around the country. But for a year, she decided to work before attending to school again. And that really paid of. She had some time to think over things and she kept in touch with every dear encounters she had had: with the one that had left to vocational school, the one who she spend the whole high school time with and even with the one who moved away.

After that year she attended to vocational school and got in.She started her new school and the hyped feeling reminded her of the time when she started junior high. “How nostalgic” ,she thought. It was amazing how the feeling were the same, but still how so many things and attitudes of hers had changed. They were not the same as the they were before. She was not the same as she was before. 

Again the time passed by and she made new friends in this new school. There was nostalgia even with these encounters, especially with one of them: one of them just didn’t leave her lone and just persistently talked to her and yanked her around on her whims to do something. Really, that was just way too nostalgic. But there was something that shocked her: the one of her new friends said this in the first day they started “officially” hang together: “I’m an a-sexual bisexual, nice to meet you.” That was rather shocking for her. It was so strange that she said it so openly to everyone. But somehow the girl liked the style her new friend expressed herself. So they went through a long conversation of the topic and the first time in the girls life she was able to admit it and say it aloud: “I’m a bisexual. It does not matter to me what gender my partner is.” Like a stone had fallen of her shoulders. She couldn’t recall when she had felt this relieved as she felt. It was pure bliss.

And even more, when she moved in the same town (after the year of working and soul searching and when she got accepted to vocational school) as her friend which went to vocational school after junior high, she told her about this, and she just said something that again brought her to tears: “Haha, I somehow knew this already, so it really does not surprise me so much. But I’m really happy that you’re able to express yourself so openly now, it’s like you’re starting to be the real you, I’m so proud of you.” And after that she was somehow to some point able to talk about it sometimes with others. But what made her even more happy, was the knowledge that there is nothing wrong with her and she should be the way she is and just do what she wants. That’s what pure bliss is truly about.

~ The girl


Quite the flying story ,right? But this is what I have gone through during my short life. This topic is still quite hard for me to write about, but I’ve managed to be more open to it for the past couple of years. And I myself think that telling it like this is easier. I’ve really struggled with the feelings that told me that there were something wrong with me and that I need to cure myself from this. It was really hard for me and I almost loathed myself and I was sure that I’ll never be able to tell anyone or even talk about it.

But I was so wrong, very wrong. Though some of the ghost from the past are still haunting me, I’m more open now and I don’t feel bad or guilty about this anymore. I know it’s normal, there is nothing wrong with the way I am and I know I’m not alone. I could even say that I’m proud of it. Though it might not be the first thing I declare as I met someone, it’s not something you need to hide either. I might not want to tell it immediately to people but I’m not ashamed of it either because I don’t need to, not anymore. I’m happy as I am now, no more hate or rejection.

freedom

freedom2

“Inspecting hair and kitten dancers- day”

Yesterday was rather… Interesting. Remember how I stated that I’ve been enjoying calm, enjoyable dull days? Well not yesterday. It was out of my expectations, but not in the bad way. Not at all. What happened then? Well, let me tell you ;):

#1. “Inspecting hair”

Previously at school, while I was getting my hair cut by my schools hairdresser students, one of the teachers suddenly came to me. First I wondered, what she might want, but what she asked me really surprised me. She asked me if I wanted to come to an event where they choose hair models. My natural hair is really, really light blonde and she said that it would suit very well in the criteria and she’d love to have me there. Hair models… I don’t usually get speechless, but this time she got me. After recovering from the shock, I replied that I’d love to. She was overjoyed by that and rushed to add my name on that list.

twirling-curls

After she had left and my hair was done, I was in some kind of outer space experience pace. I can’t really explain it well, to speak the truth. But if I was sure of something, I was honored! Even if it was for the sake to get enough models, still she especially came to ask me if I wanted to come. Gosh! Even though it’s not good to be cheeky, but occasionally it’s accepted and it feels nice to rise in high horse, as long as you remember to come down from there too. But just that moment, I promised myself: you’re allowed, enjoy it for awhile.

Well yesterday I went to the first round of choosing. Yes, first round (I didn’t know this until yesterday). The thing about the modelling was more than a model for just some degree work. Literally. They searched models for contestants that contests for the Finland’s championship ( for student’s (Taitajat 2015)). I wasn’t expecting that. They needed 15 male and female models. They had a bit of lack of males, but there were more than enough females. I was really scared at that time, I was sure that I had no chances, but surprisingly that wasn’t the case. The teachers and the girl who got through the semi finals and will be representing our school were the ones who judged who will be going to the finals in Turku. They didn’t hesitate while giving me the contract, that states that you will pledge to be in the finals in time and to enter this with guts, not half-assed. And because I love this kind of exiting changes, that changes your appearance, I didn’t hesitate to sing it. You give the hairdresser free hands to do anything, but of course you are allowed to make small wishes. But it’s mostly free hands, and I somehow like that kind of stuff. Well, some of the girls were dropped, but I was happy that I didn’t get dropped.

But there was also a internally-screamingcatch: the judges in the finals will drop 5 more people in the place, leaving the number to 10. I remember panicking inside my head after hearing that. It came behind the corner and I remember how my friend, who also came to this selection (and also got chosen in the first round), started to shake me, while trying to explain something to me. I was lost in my thought so somehow everything she said went just straight through and I don’t really remember what she said, but there were also relief coming. The teachers said, that even if you don’t get chosen in the finals, fear not. The students of our school will provide to all the 5 that didn’t got chosen, a haircut they want the next day. I think that teachers of the barber/hairdresser line in our school are more than fair. And the best of this is, that those days are counted as school related activity, so you don’t even need any clearance of that day. How cool is that? So now I’m waiting anxiously for the final day. I’m really hyped for it, but still remain realistic. But even if I won’t get chosen, I’m still happy and will still get a haircut ^^ I’d say that it is a win-win situation!

Well that was the adrenaline rush I got in the morning. After we left from the selection, me and my mom decided to visit my dear friend who lives in the same town as me (while being on-the-place practice, I’m currently lounging at my parents, who live in different city than me). She’s been kinda down lately, so we decided to cheer her up, while the town where I and she lives is along the way. After that began the second main event of the day:

#2. “Kitten dancers”

So yesterday I got to watch my god child’s dance performance. She has been attending dance school about a half year and they had performance yesterday. And god! Asdfghjk!!! She was way over CUTE!! She’s four years old and has blonde curly hair and big eyes. Add there painted whiskers, nose and hair putted up as cat ears and then a sassy strike and wink for me before it’s her groups time to go on stage and it was the last strike for me. I absolutely adore her! She’s so sassy, sneaky, individual, kind and obedient at the same time that I don’t know what to do with her! And if she wants to come in to my lap, I’m not able to say no to her. I’m going to be in a huge trouble in the future.

kyya

So, the performance they were performing was called Kissan askelin which roughly translates to something like cat’s steps/pace/pas/move etc. It had performers from different age groups: the younger ones had one or two dances and the older ones danced the main roles. My god child was in one dance with the music form The Aristocats Everybody wants to be a cat” and that added even more some sort of cuteness in the performance.

After the performance was over, we took my god child, her brother and their cousin to eat (they both also got roses from us in the place of the performance, my god child and her cousin which was in the same dance group as her, but still) as a reward for the good job they did at the dance. They were overjoyed about this and I was happy too, while I saw how much they enjoyed themselves.Their happiness shone through them. My mom is always amazed by the fact how good I act/am with my god child and her older brother (age: 9 this November), while I usually suck being with kids. It’s not that I don’t like kids, it’s just that I’m not so fond of them because I don’t know how to act around them and get restless. But it does not cause me any trouble to babysit them, you just need to give them something to do and watch that they don’t harm themselves or others or break anything. Easy, right?

taking care children 4                        taking care children 3

 

So after we got home, it a bit bugged me that the music they used (except for The Aristocats) sounded something like they use in musical or such, so I decided to do a little google search. I didn’t need to search even for a long time after I confirmed my thoughts: The music actually was from a musical called CatsI read through the article and noticed that the names that appeared in the songs were the same and after that I went to Youtube to confirm that the songs were same, and they were. They didn’t perform all the songs and some of it was of course improvised, but the ones they performed were great and the dancers were amazing. I really enjoyed it and now I have the urge to watch that musical too. So I know what I will be doing the upcoming weekend (alongside with studying to the entrance exams) !

My day of joy and breaking free from the phone horror!

I finally did it. I’ve struggled for a so long and now I did it… I BOUGHT MYSELF A NEW PHONE! ^^ ♥

Yesterday, after waiting for it anxiously, I finally got the text message that I’ve been waiting for: “Your delivery have arrived to…” and boy, I really can’t describe  the feeling I got from receiving that message. Hooray, hooray , BANZAI!

yeah

My previous phone that I had was Nokia Lumia 520 that I switched now for Huawei Honor Holly. I’ve always had a WP before, so this is the first time I’m having an Android phone and I’m slightly exited about it. Though I’m also a bit scared… well maybe not scared but anxious about this switch while I don’t have any experience of this operating system. Of course, I’ve used my friends phone before, but it’s not the same as having your own, but it has given me a good idea about how it works.

I’m not complaining about the WP phone, but this last one I had, I’d like to throw it on the wall. Literally. But because I’m this kind of person, I won’t do it. To be exact, I’ve been more than pleased of the previous WP that I had, those worked like dream. But in the beginning when I got this one, everything seemed right and bright, but after using it for awhile, I started to notice many errors in it. What for example? Well, the first one was the wp update. I was exited when I heard that the new update had come. I rushed to install it but then I ran in to a brickwall: the phone could not update it! I was like: “WHAT?!?” It gave me the error: “The update was loaded but could not be installed error (8018330f)” … This had never happened to me before in my previous phones, so I was kinda lost about what I needed to do to fix the problem. So naturally, I searched the internet around and trust me, I was surprised. Many people had had this problem. So, I contacted Microsoft for this error code and after the long list of what to try, I also got this answer:”You should also check our error list, it might help you to figure out the problem.” So I went to the error list and became frustrated. Even on the list there was a text about like this : “If you couldn’t find the error code your searching, Microsoft is trying to figure this out for more pleasant use for your phone and to improve these problems.” … WHY… I was ready to rip my hair off and I’m not joking.

Well, then I decided to roam through a lot, meaning humongous rate, of forums and similar topics to find if I could fix this problem, but no luck. It just didn’t help. It only erased all my information from the phone… hooray, that was my luckiest day… Then I decided to take the phone to a service center, no matter what it would cost. I was hopeful that they could give me the answer for  what was wrong with my phone. But well, that didn’t go so well either. They told me that they didn’t find any faults in the system… I remember thinking at that moment that they must kid me, I was 100% sure, but that wasn’t the case. There was no faults in the system, but there is a possibility that the phone is a advertising version… Honestly, I didn’t know what that meant. It meant that they have a couple of these types of phones in factories, that are used for advertising, but all is not used and send to shops for the advertising so some will be sold. And that means it’s a normal phone, but might not allow to make some updates or some of the kind, so probably that is the possibility why it won’t allow me to update it. Despite this, I was hoping they were able to do it but they weren’t either. Schucks ! And because the phone worked otherwise well, there were not possibility to change the phone -__- … So I was stuck with the unworking working phone, great.

I decided to be content to my fate. But after some while, I started to noticed the bad traits of not being able to update the phone: the apps did not update well either. Some of the apps updated it self, but some required the newest update of the system. And then video players started to play the videos shabbily etc. etc… But the final nail to my coffin was when my volume button stopped working. That’s when I decided that I need to buy a new phone.

And now I have one 🙂 I’m really happy now, while (at least for now) I have a working phone. It was a huge struggle to decide which phone I should buy (’cause there was also a limit for the phone budget) among the maze of possible options to choose from. But after discussing with a various people and roaming through some reviews, I decided to settle on this one. And for now, I’m pleased by it ^^